On the 41st anniversary of the death of movie star Joan Crawford, I had the very untrue, totally fake, 100% completely made up pleasure of interviewing her, posthumously. In this brief, candid and totally bogus interview, Joan spills the deets on her loves, her family life and that infamous feud.

My (Very Untrue, Most Definitely Not True) Posthumous Interview With Joan Crawford

Me: Ms. Crawford, it's an honor and a privilege to interview you today. I appreciate you taking the time out of your no-doubt busy schedule. May I call you Joan?

Joan: Please, call me Lucille.

Me: Absolutely! Lucille it is. Now I just have to ask: what year, exactly, were you born?

Lucille: Oh, dear. I'm going to have to assert my 5th amendment privilege to that line of questioning--we have rights here in the great beyond too, you know (smiles slyly).

Me: Definitely Ms. Craw--er, Lucille. I completely understand. Most of your relatives and all of your past loves must have reunited with you by now. Is there any rivalry?

Lucille: Well I'll tell you, it's nice to see Christopher and Cindy getting along so well--they had quite a strained relationship while earthbound. And my brother Hal isn't nearly as big a Dottie's man as he once was, though he does have his moments.

Me: And your lovers?

Lucille: Oh my, well...there is some jealousy and minor competition, but nothing this girl can't handle.

Me: And your greatest love?

Lucille: Every one of my husbands was the perfect man at the perfect time. Except for maybe Phillip Terry; a very nice man but maybe a little too nice, if you know what I mean. And Al Steele was definitely the right man at the right time. We had so many plans and such a bright future, but it was just not mean to be.

Me: Any secret loves?

Lucille: (smiles coyly) A girl never kisses and tells.

Me: You've had several books written about you. Which one would you say is your favorite?

Lucille: Well, I supposed I'd have to say "My Way Of Life" by Joan Crawford, now wouldn't I? (chuckles)

Me: A definite dog-eared page turner, for sure! You know, I have to ask you, Lucille--what did you think about Christina's book, "Mommie Dearest"?

Lucille: Well, I'd have to thank her for giving me an alternative to wee wee pads for the pups, that's for sure. Other than that, I have no opinion. She was always a strong-willed child with her own ideas and opinions and I didn't think she'd change just because I passed on.

Me: Is there anything you'd like to say to Tina when you meet again?

Lucille: Oh, I don't know--do you think we'll ever meet again? It seems like that old slag is hanging on longer than I have! (laughs)

Me: HA! Speaking of old slags--have you seen Bette around?

Lucille: The last time I saw Bette, she was doing her best eye roll at Saint Peter for mispronouncing "Bette". She hates that, you know.

Me: Did you have an opportunity to discuss Ryan Murphy's "Feud" with her?

Lucille: Oh no, it's not necessary--we lived it, after all. I will say that I found it to be a truer depiction of Ms. Davis than of myself, but much like my daughter Christina, I know a thing or two about "creative licensing".

Me: One last thing before I let you go. I understand that you loved to cook and entertain, and there are many recipes of yours that can still be found on the internet. However, there's one I just can't find: your recipe for floating island. Just what is that???

Lucille: Ah, my floating island. We'll have to save that for another time, dear--I hear Al fixing vodka-Pepsi's. In the meantime, try my french banana salad, won't you?

Rest in paradise, Lucille Fay LeSueur Cassin Crawford Fairbanks Tone Terry Steele; I hope one day we really will meet and have a chance to chat, and I'll get that damn recipe once and for all!